


how are you still holding on?

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, Male Friendship, Not Beta Read, Self-Esteem Issues, Some Humor, but i'm attached to this story okay, idk if anyone will read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 18:18:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15200645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Sergei came back to Moscow ready for change. New season, new coach, new programs. And also a new roommate, a Spanish boy with bright smile and sadness in his eyes.(aka the author has feelings and had to write this)





	how are you still holding on?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Claire_cz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire_cz/gifts).



> Sergei and Javi's friendship gives me life okay? I've read a few interviews lately and I got inspired, hope you enjoy this little piece.  
> Title from 'One day' by Kodaline.  
> This is fictional fiction and English is not my first language, pls forgive me my grammar mistakes :D  
> Dedicated to my lovely reader Claire_cz, who I think loves Sergei as much as I do!

 

Coming back from Petersburg to Moscow truly felt like coming home. It was good, to be back around familiar corners of the city he had been born in. Sergei smiled as he walked down a busy street. He always liked Moscow in spring, sunny but still with a biting touch of the winter.

Sergei winced as he almost took the wrong turn, old habits dying hard. After coming from Petersburg he had moved back to his parents, but it was a bit awkward now, with him being 22 and used to living by himself for some time. So when Nikolai had told him to move in with the rest of the skaters, Sergei hadn't been objecting much. Now he was walking to his new place, a big backapack on his back, ready to meet his new roommate.

Sergei wasn't stupid. He knew what people were saying about Morozov, he had met the man himself, after all. But he also knew that he was a good coach, and Sergei could use some new direction. Living with other people seemed like an additional adventure, and if things got awkward he could always move out.

'Ah, welcome.' Nikolai welcomed him with a grin 'Your room is upstairs on the end of the corridor. Make yourself at home.'

'Thanks.' Sergei offered him a smile before walking up the stairs, curiosity growing inside him. He knocked to the door politely before opening it and he was greeted by a slight mess and a nervous guy who looked like a teenager.

'Ummm, hi!' the guy stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, visibly regretting everything 'You're my new roommate, yes?'

Uhh, English. It wasn't Sergei's favourite thing in the world, but the guy looked at him anxiously, so Sergei put on his brightest smile.

'Hello, yes! Sorry, English not very good.' he chuckled bashfully, dropping his bag on not occupied bed 'I'm Sergei.'

'Javi. I mean, it's Javier, but you can call me Javi, like everyone. I'm from Spain.' his roommate babbled and Sergei was under a strong impression that he didn't have a lot of people to talk to there.

Now that he looked at Javi, he realized that he had probably seen him somewhere, passing in a backstage through the years. The had never talked, though, but Sergei didn't mind doing that now.

'I'm sorry for the mess, I was kinda, ummm-' Javi continued talking as he was frantically cleaning the only desk in a room 'And I'm sorry I'm speaking only English, but my Russian is really awful and-'

'Javi.' Sergei patted his shoulder carefully, not sure if the guy had a wide personal space or not 'No worry. Is okay.'

Javi looked at him, eyes wide, and he looked so young and lost Sergei's stomach turned.

'Sorry.' Javi said once again and Sergei shook his head.

'No sorry.' he tilted his head, a million thoughts running through his head 'How old are you?'

'I'm twenty.'

'Great. We're going.'

'We- what?'

'We're going be great friends.' Sergei informed him with a grin 'Now we go.'

Javi stared at him with confusion, but then he smiled, a bright, radiant smile that could put sun into shame.

'Okay.'

 

Two hours and three beers later Sergei knew everything he needed to.

First, Javi was an awesome guy. As soon as he relaxed Sergei discovered that he was funny, open and very social. He was talking with a speed of light, so Sergei sometimes had troubles with understanding everything, but he couldn't help but smile at that.

But he also discovered something else, someting that was quite unsettling. He knew him for a few hours, but he could already tell that it wasn't place for him. Javi didn't say anything directly, but Sergei could see that he wasn't feeling comfortable in here, that constant moving around the world and being in such a big group wasn't good for him. There was some nervousness in him, visible in slight movement of his fingers, in a shadow that sometimes creeped into his eyes.

'Javi, why you train here?' Sergei asked suddenly; he knew that he was overstepping, but alkohol and curiosity did their job.

Javi didn't seem offended. He stared at Sergei as if he asked the most obvious question in the world.

'I don't have anywhere else to go.' he stated simply and his resigned, steady voice was the saddest thing Sergei heard in a very long time. He took a sip of his beer to help him swallow lump in his throat as he looked at the boy in front of him. It felt like he had known him for years now, that's how honest and open he was.

They were going to be great friends indeed. Maybe they already were.

 

The atmosphere was weird. Really, really weird. Sergei had no idea how many people even lived in that house, because they were barely interacting with each other. He would consider moving out back to his parents, but he stayed, partly because he was curious, and partly because of Javi. He didn't want to leave the younger boy alone, now that got to know the situation a bit better.

Sergei had expected to be a bit neglected by Nikolai, since he had known his methods from other people. He got his choreography, he got his clues and directions, and he knew what he had to work with. It wasn't like Nikolai was a monster who didn't pay attention to his skaters, after all it was in his best interest to take care of them. Still, his coaching methods didn't seem to fit everyobody, and he clearly had tendencies to pick his favourites.

Sergei was experienced enough to know how to deal with it, but Javi was a total different story. It took Sergei exactly three training sessions to know that the Spanish boy was probably the most skilled of them, and that if he had as much attention as Florent, he could be among the best in the world. Sergei was no coach, but it was painfully obvious for him why Javi was struggling so much. He needed a system, a discipline, a bit more of attention. He was so young and he still had no idea how to train, what to do, and it was awful to see him skating around aimlessly, or staring at other skaters with those big, lost eyes.

If Sergei had learned something about Javi during that short time together it was that he was nice. Maybe even a bit too nice. There was a competitive fire inside him, obviously, but it rarely bubbled to the surface. It was clear that the crowded environment, being under a constant pressure, wasn’t good for him. Sergei was used to it, the Russian field always crazy competitive, but Javi seemed to be absolutely lost.

Sergei knew he couldn’t just go to Nikolai and tell him that he was doing it wrong with Javi. So he decided to help him the best he could, giving him tips about his quad toe or triple axel.

‘Why are you helping me?’ Javi asked with disbelief when Sergei explained him why he just fell on a quad.

‘We’re friends, right?’ Sergei shrugged his shoulders with a smile ‘And you’ll need more than one quad to beat me, kid.’

Javi stared at him for a second, and then his face it up with a smile.

‘We’ll see.’ he said with a grin and then skated away to give it one more try.

‘I see you two are getting along.’

Sergei turned to face Nikolai, who had a pleasant smile on his lips.

‘He’s cool.’ Sergei said simply, and then decided to risk it ‘He has big potential.’

‘I guess he could have a few top ten finishes.’ Nikolai said absently, looking through his papers.

‘I think he could finish on the podium, with some hard work.’ Sergei said before he could stop himself.

Surprisingly, Nikolai didn’t look offended. He let out a low chuckle, as if Sergei just told him a great joke.

‘I can’t make champions from all of you.’ he said and then called Florent to give him some tips.

In the background Javi fell once again and Sergei’s stomach twisted.

 

* * *

 

It was a gloomy evening and Sergei decided to stay in his room, reading a book and just chilling. Javi had left an hour earlier to talk with Nikolai, and Sergei was trying his best not to be too curious about it.

Fifteen minutes later he got an answer he wasn't looking for.

Javi stumbled into their room, the door shutting loudly behind him, and Sergei looked at him, startled.

‘Javi?’

There was a wild look on the boy’s face as he slumped on his bed, hiding his face in his hands and breathing so loudly and shakily Sergei could hear it. He felt a sting of fear as he scrambled out of his bed and made his way to Javi, stopping close to him, but not touching.

‘Javi, you okay?’

‘I- I can’t breathe.’ Javi squeaked and he finally looked up at Sergei, his face pale and eyes wide open, and Sergei almost panicked.

‘What do I do? Should I call-?’

‘No!’

Javi’s breathing grew even more ragged and Sergei kneeled in front of him, trying to look him in the eyes. He had no idea what to do, what was happening, but he knew he had to do something.

‘Look at me, okay? Look in the eyes.’ he urged Javi, recalling some movie he had seen and hoping for the best. ‘Good, now we breathe. Slow.’ Sergei didn’t know if he should touch him, if he was doing the right thing, English words mixing in his brain and coming out slurrish and rapid, but Javi did as he asked, trying to match his breathing with Sergei’s. He didn’t know long they were like that, until Javi’s breathing finally calmed down and his fingers stopped shaking.

‘I’m sorry.’ Javi muttered, his voice strangled, and Sergei sighed, his heart feeling heavy. He slowly got up and sat next to Javi, looking at him openly.

‘What going on, Javi?’

Javi swallowd hard and stared at his hands, and yet again he looked like a lost child.

‘You don’t have to say if you don’t want. But I want help.’

It took Javi a moment.

‘I’ve anxiety problems.’ he said finally, sounding embarassed ‘I saw a doctor in Spain and he told me I should try to be less nervous. Sure. So easy.’ he let out a chuckle that sounded a bit like a sob, and Sergei gritted his teeth, suddenly feeling angry.

‘Who know?’

‘My parents.’

Sergei gave him a pointed look and Javi sighed. ‘And you.’

There was so many things Sergei wanted to say, but nothing felt good as he was caught up in a mix of compassion, anger and sadness. So he just put his arm around Javi’s shoulder carefully, and hoped that he was able to bring him some comfort.

 

 

'I hate triple axel.' Javi announced grumpily and Sergei laughed.

'Why? Triple axel best jump.'

'Yeah, for you.' Javi took a sip from his bottle 'I swear it's a Russian thing, you've it your DNA or something.'

Their banter was light and harmless, but Sergei knew Javi enough to know what it all was about.

'It was good.' he gave him a reassuring smile 'Your skating really good this season.'

Javi brighten up a little, and Sergei couldn't help but smile. He knew that his words weren't enough to make Javi's insecurities disappear, but he wouldn't stop trying.

'Hey Miki!' he called the Japanese skater who stopped next to them 'See Javi's axel?'

'It was nice.' Miki smiled sweetly and then winced when she realized that her water bottle was empty.

'Here.' Javi handed her his drink 'If you're not afraid of germs.'

'Thank you.' she said with honest gratitide and Javi gave her a sheepish smile before skating away.

Miki's expression was soft and conflicted at once, and Sergei decided to keep all his thoughts to himself.

 

 

Sergei tried his best.

When he discovered that Javi had barely seen Moscow, he took him on a few trips. He invited him for a beer with his friends so he wasn’t copped in their room all the time. They cooked together and watched old Russian movies. They laughed and yelled at tv during football matches. They were good friends now, they were good training partners and cool rommmates. So when Sergei was packing his stuff slowly, Javi watching him from his bed, it felt as if he was losing something.

‘Is it serious?’ Javi asked, his eyes darting to Sergei’s leg.

‘Maybe will be back for nationals.’ Sergei said, giving him a small smile.

‘ _It might end your career._ ’ doctors had said when he came back from China, his leg screaming with pain, but Sergei only laughed. He had heard it so many times before, he lost count. Broken collarbone, twisted ankles, feet injuries. He had came back, everytime. He was going to do that again. But the injury was serious and not allowing him to train, so he was moving back to his parents, where he could get better in quiet and loving atmosphere.

‘I’m sorry.’ Javi said and Sergei had to smile even wider.

‘Stop, Javi.’ he said gently ‘It will be okay.’ he grabbed his bag and stood up, looking around one more time ‘Will see you soon, okay?’

‘Okay.’ Javi nodded, giving him a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes and it was the bravest thing Sergei had ever seen.

 

 

It was a hard season. Sergei gritted his teeth and fought on, and it was almost enough. At least he got to see Javi landing two quads during his world championships performance, and that made him smile like a madman. They hadn't seen each other a lot during those past few months, Javi busy with his competitions and Sergei trying his best to come back before the end of a season. After all of that struggle fourth place at nationals wasn't such a big failure.

What he didn't expect was Javi's frantic movements and wide eyes when they met two days after the worlds had ended.

'I can't live like that anymore.' he said with bitterness that didn't fit his young face 'I'm done.'

'What?' Sergei blinked, taken aback a little bit 'What you mean?'

'I bought ticket home.' Javi's voice cracked on the last word and Sergei understood.

Javi was like the sun, nice and warm, and the only thing he needed was to get back the same kindness he was giving to everyone around him. But all he got was a ticket around the world and a suitcase that had to fit pieces of home, and that had to be enough. Somehow, Sergei wasn't surprised. It was bound to happen, someday.

'You tell him?'

'Yes.' Javi winced at that clearly unpleasant memory 'He doesn't really care.' he drew in a sharp breath, his face crumpling 'I don't know what I'm gonna do.' he admitted, letting out a shaky, unhappy chuckle, and Sergei's heart broke just a little bit. So he did what he was best at- he put his hand on javi's shoulder and gave him his warmest, most reassuring smile.

'You will find new coach. And you will be great.'

Javi chuckled again, that time a bit more brightly, and he shook his head.

'I'll take decent for now.'

Sergei grinned, happy that a bit of Javi's humor was back.

'When you leave?'

'In five days.' Javi answered and Sergei suddenly felt like a few months before, when he had been packing his stuff in their shared room.

'I will miss you, Spanish man.' he said honestly, and Javi smiled at him softly.

'I will miss you too.'

 

Javi left two days earlier than he had previosuly planned, his fingers itching to leave, his skin so pale he looked sick. Their goodbye was short and rushed, a warm hug before Javi hopped into a taxi and just like that he was gone, and it suddenly felt so surreal Sergei wasn't even sure if it really happened.

When trainings started again, it felt odd. Nikolai didn't even metion Javi's name, as of he hadn't been training him for so many years. The one to bring him up was Maxim, still fresh in their group, and as unaware of the world as a fourteen year old could be.

'I miss Javi.' he said when he and Sergei were doing their warm- up 'He was so cool, and my English got better because of him.'

'Well, he's gonna train in Canada now.' Sergei informed him, sharing what the Spaniard had told him during their last call.

'He didn't like it in here?' Maxim pressed and Sergei's smile faltered.

'We gotta do what's best for us.' he said dissmisively, his eyes catching the sight of Miki on the other side of the room, clearly deep in her thoughts.

He suddenly felt very, very old.

 

* * *

 

Sergei was pretty disappointed with his own placement at the Rostelecom, but the look of distaste on Nikolai's face when he saw Javi's free skate was so hilarious Sergei couldn't help but grin.

'Javi, my favourite Spanish man!' he exclaimed loudly when they met in a locker room after the medal ceremony 'Congratulation!'

'Thanks!' Javi laughed as they hugged, and Sergei noticed that his eyes were bright and smile wider than ever 'This is so crazy, I still can't believe it.'

'I tell you, remember?'

'Yeah.' Javi's smile softened 'You're a good friend, Sergei.'

'I tell you that too.' Sergei reminded him with a cheeky smile and Javi snorted.

'Wow, maybe you're a mentalist.' he joked and then looked around the almost empty room, his eyes widening 'Shit, I forgot about press conference!' he sent Sergei an apologetic smile, but the Russian just shook his head.

'Go, be famous. Will talk later.'

'I'll see you.' Javi waved before rushing out.

Sergei smiled to himself and started gathering his stuff. In his head he was already thinking about what needed improvement before the next competition. There was so much work to be done and he couldn't wait to go back on the ice.

But first, he would catch up with Javi. They were great friends, in the end.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know!  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
